Elul 11 Good Enough

Pema Chodron writes in The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times:

At [the beginning of our practice] joy is just a feeling that our own situation is workable.  We stop looking for a more suitable place to be.  We’ve discovered that the continual search for something better does not work out.  This doesn’t mean that there are suddenly flowers growing where before there were only rocks.  It means we have confidence that something will grow here..The joy comes from not giving up on ourselves, from mindfully sticking with ourselves and beginning to experience our great warrior spirit.  (80)

“...As warriors-in-training we develop wholehearted determination to use discomfort as an opportunity for awakening, rather than trying to make it disappear.” (108)

You know how last night I was going to do some stretches and quiet down a bit? (see Elul 10 post) Well it didn’t happen.  Ten minutes after I put eldest to bed, she got up complaining she didn’t feel well and basically was wide awake until 11:45pm.  I was defeated after 30 minutes of trying to calm her.  I had no more patience. I was spent.  (I hate admitting that)  I called for dear husband and he handled the rest of the night with her.   He told her stories, sang to her Frank Sinatra, which she loves, and finally quieted her down so she could fall asleep.   I listened from our room to their entire interaction. I could have gotten on the yoga mat--but they were loud, I was annoyed and well...the moment had passed. 

When I left ddaughter's room and gave my kiss goodnight to her, I felt defeated.  It was not a proud parenting moment for me, yet I knew enough to throw in the towel and call for back up.  I was grateful for the backup!  

The feeling of defeat didn't last too long because it occurred to me that if all I could do was call for back up-- that was good enough. 

I learned about being "good enough" from Wendy Mogel's, Blessing of a Skinned Knee. 

 

I didn’t settle in on my yoga mat and delight in peace and quiet last night, but I did get to see how far I’ve grown, how much more at ease in the world I feel.  For the majority of my life, “good enough” was not in my vocabulary.  How many years we spend trying to be perfect and feeling shame and guilt when we are not. Teshuva is also about remembering that we are not expected to be perfect.  I am grateful that last night I allowed myself to be "good enough"  And isn't it amazing that Good Enough is all we will ever be anyway?  

Here's to the joy of not giving up on ourselves!

Blessings for a Shabbat of awakening and Shalom--wholeness and peace.