Elul officially begins tomorrow. This Hebrew month brings up much anticipation for me....The High Holy Days are coming up... and sermon writing needs to begin, worship has to be planned, organized, rehearsed, etc.. Elul brings on a sense of urgency. I worry about all the shul-work that I have to do and I worry about all the soul-work that I have to do too! Both are equally important, both take great effort. It is important that I engage in my own Teshuva process--examining my life, my truths, my experiences and what they have meant to me. Elul calls us to search deep within and to find the dark places that need light, and that takes time and is never easy. It is difficult to remember losses, pain, hardship and faults. It is sometimes unbearable to remember that which we should have said but didn't and also to remember which we did say and we wish we hadn’t. There is so much (!) and yet I have to remind myself that it is important to take it slowly, that I do not have to have the Perfect Teshuva.... In fact, I take comfort in knowing that I am not supposed to ‘return’ to perfection, rather I am to return to being perfectly imperfect--a child of God created in the image of the divine striving to uncover the goodness within.
Teshuva is not about judging actions, feelings, thoughts & desires. It is about being aware of them and then offering ourselves up to the process of striving to be the best that we can be. Teshuva can lead us to a life filled with more wholeness--with shalom. It can bring us to an awareness of our own humanity and allow us to breathe deeply knowing that we are loved by a Great Love. When we engage in Teshuva, we are better equipped to help repair our broken world.
Elul is a month filled with both fear and awe and I enter into this month with gratitude for my life--for the light and the dark, for the successes and the challenges. May the light of our souls be illumined through the holy work of Tesuhva/returning moment by moment.
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