Day 2 into the teshuva/returning process offered me a keen reminder that teshuva is not about making resolutions. It is not about telling myself that I will change my ways and not make the same mistake again. It is not about telling myself that "tomorrow I will do better." Certainly that's the goal, but to start the process this way--with these (secular) New Year type resolutions is a huge set up for failure. It is taking the easy way out. I stopped making resolutions like this years ago and still (!) this morning, when thinking about this past year I began to list all the things that I will do better in the coming year. I began to make those 'I'll-start-my diet-on-Monday' type promises. Oy. Thankfully, it didn't take long to realize that I was in 'fixing mode'. The very purpose of this reflection and repentance period is to become aware of our failings and sit with them--take 'em all in and seek forgiveness from ourselves, others and God. Eventually, we know that our teshuva is working in our lives when we change our ways and not make the same mistakes over and over, but like anything worthy of lasting a lifetime, change takes work and practice and there really is no quick-fix. Even though I wish there was.
Here's to the continued practice of staying with the teshuva process. One day at a time.
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