Elul 2

Day 2 into the teshuva/returning process offered me a keen reminder that teshuva is not about making resolutions.  It is not about telling myself that I will change my ways and not make the same mistake again.  It is not about telling myself that "tomorrow I will do better."   Certainly that's the goal, but to start the process this way--with these (secular) New Year type resolutions is a huge set up for failure. It is taking the easy way out.  I stopped making resolutions like this years ago and still (!) this morning, when thinking about this past year I began to list all the things that I will do better in the coming year.  I began to make those 'I'll-start-my diet-on-Monday' type promises.  Oy.  Thankfully, it didn't take long to realize that I was in 'fixing mode'.   The very purpose of this reflection and repentance period is to become aware of our failings and sit with them--take 'em all in and seek forgiveness from ourselves, others and God.   Eventually, we know that our teshuva is working in our lives when we change our ways and not make the same mistakes over and over,  but like anything worthy of lasting a lifetime, change takes work and practice and there really is no quick-fix.  Even though I wish there was.
Here's to the continued practice of staying with the teshuva process.  One day at a time.

Elul Day 1

I walked into Lifetime Fitness  today after a 7 month hiatus.  I had no plan for what I was going to do there, had no real time-frame in mind, wasn't even all that sure that I would actually get there, but I did. While on the treadmill I asked the question often reserved for the seder table....  'why is this day different then all the other days?  How is it that I ended up on the treadmill THIS morning?  It has everything to do with the first day of Elul, and Teshuva.  It is difficult to engage in reflection when not Fully Present--in mind and body--to my life.  Although  most of the time when I want to be fully present, I practice yoga, today,  I must have intuitively known that I needed to enter  into the process of reflection and presence slowly and with ease. 

While on my walk to nowhere I listened to Neshama Carlbach's Return Again. It is a melody that we sing at our congregation's High Holy Day Worship services and durning the month of Elul.  The words are:

Return Again, Return Again, Return to the Land of your Soul.  Return to who you are, return to what you are, return to where you are born and reborn again..  

I wondered... is it possible to re-turn to who we are if we have  never actualized our truest-self?   Re-Turning assumes that we have at some point been so aware of the light and potential of our soul  that we were able to embody such grace and divinity.  Returning to our soul infers that we once did  live fully connected to the Source, ourselves and others....  There are other interpretations of Return Again for sure, but this is what I am thinking about today.   I wonder how many of us feel we live up to our soul-potential?  I know I don't.  Turning and returning to the one I am meant to be is an awesome task for a lifetime of work.  Grateful to be on the Journey towards the Light one day at at a time. 

Pre-Elul Post

Elul officially begins tomorrow.  This Hebrew month brings up much anticipation for me....The High Holy Days are coming up... and sermon writing needs to begin, worship has to be planned, organized, rehearsed, etc.. Elul brings on a sense of urgency.  I worry about all the shul-work that I have to do and I worry about all the soul-work that I have to do too! Both are equally important, both take great effort.  It is important that I engage in my own Teshuva process--examining my life, my truths, my experiences and what they have meant to me. Elul calls us to search deep within and to find the dark places that need light, and that takes time and is never easy.   It is difficult to remember losses, pain, hardship and faults.  It is sometimes unbearable to remember that which we should have said but didn't and also to remember which we did say and we wish we hadn’t.  There is so much (!) and yet I have to remind myself that it is important to take it slowly, that I do not have to have the Perfect Teshuva....  In fact, I take comfort in knowing that I am not supposed to ‘return’ to perfection, rather I am to return to being perfectly imperfect--a child of God created in the image of the divine striving to uncover the goodness within.

Teshuva is not about judging  actions, feelings, thoughts & desires. It is about being aware of them and then offering ourselves up to the process of striving to be the best that we can be.  Teshuva can lead us to a life filled with more wholeness--with shalom.  It can bring us to an awareness of our own humanity and allow us to breathe deeply knowing that we are loved by a Great Love.  When we engage in Teshuva, we are better equipped to help repair our broken world.  

Elul is a month filled with both fear and awe and I enter into this month with gratitude for my life--for the light and the dark, for the successes and the challenges.                                      May the light of our souls be illumined through the holy work of Tesuhva/returning moment by moment. 

Re'eh~To see the Blessing

Tonight begins a Shabbat of recognizing that we have a choice--we can choose to remember and acknowledge the blessings in our life and live with sense of gratitude or we can choose to focus on what we do not have, to live with resentment, to allow our fear to guide us and let it get in the way of becoming the person we are really meant to be..... A pre Elul Shabbat! 


It is difficult to remember blessings when we are in the midst of challenge, sadness, depression, self-hate.... it is so hard to 'get up', sometimes.   When i am struggling with 'getting up', I often repeat/chant the phrase 'rabbah emunatecha'.  Rabbah Emunatecha, the last few words of the morning blessing Modeh/ah Ani, is translated as"Your faithfulness is great" or, as I learned from Shefa Gold, "how great is Your faith in me."   Rabbah Emmunatecha is a phrase that reminds us that a) we are created in the divine image and therefore innately good.  b) that even though we might not see or even be aware of our blessings, we can still be grateful  and c) even during moments when we feel inadequate, inconsequential, inept, this is mostly just the ego 'talking' and that indeed there is an Eternal Power in the universe, there is a truth that is greater then we are and it can pull us up from the trenches.  it is a truth (an inner-truth perhaps) that calls to us and let's us know that we are good, holy and are loved just they way we are! 



Rabbah Emmunatecha How great is Your faith in me! May we be blessed with seeing the goodness and divine sparks that rest deep with us.  




Shabbat Shalom.

Shabbat! Shalom!

        This morning was a great “Shecheanu” moment for me.  I taught Jewish yoga to our training cohort today.  We each had a 10 minute assignment created especially for us.  The assignment was designed to both strengthen and challenge our yoga practice, to take us ‘to the edge’ and offer us an opportunity to take the seat of teacher.  

The theme of my teaching was based on the our Torah portion, D’varim--the beginning of Deuteronomy.  The book of Deuteronomy is a review of our time in the wilderness--our challenges, trials, tribulations, and the great moments as well!  

Deuteronomy begins with a  new generation of Israelites about to enter the land of Israel and Moses, our greatest teacher will not be entering into the Promised Land with them.  This is Moses last song to the people.  Moses teaches us that our life-lessons are in the Journey, and are not given in the Promised Land.  After all, Torah--revelation! liberation! Freedom! was given in the desert. Yes, in the dry, hot, barren wasteland, with no water or vegetation, our holiest moments occurred, our relationship with the Holy One, was sealed.   

On our yoga mat, we set a Kavanah, an intention, for the practice to remind us of the light within that guides us on the journey.  I was honored to take the seat of teacher and am also thrilled that those 10 minutes are not behind me.  

This afternoon, we will learn from more teachers and then later we will welcome in Shabbat beginning with candle lighting. I am looking foward to Shabbat.  We will usher in Shabbat tonight with Kirtan Rabbi and another group that is sharing the retreat center space with us.  I will be a member of the congregation tonight, soaking in the light, shalom and beauty of Shabbat.  May this Shabbat remind us of the great journey that we are on, that our light, our Torah, our

G-dliness is available to us anytime, any step along this blessed life that is ours.  

Shabbat Shalom! 

serious courage

We began today by exploring the word Shalom.  As our teacher Diane reminds us, “shalom”  really does not mean, Hello, Good-bye and Peace.  The word Shalom comes from the root SLM which means wholeness.  Therefore, in Hebrew the phrase, "How are you?" is Mah Shlomech/a  which literally means, "How is your Wholeness today?"  YES! Cool, right? So we spoke about peace and wholeness and studied a text by teaching by Rav Kook,  (Chief Rabbi of Palestine d. 1935.) 

 A selection of the work we studied included, “True peace...comes precisely through the proliferation of divergent views. When all of the various angles and sides of an issue are exposed, and we are able to clarify how each one has its place--that is true peace.”  (Rabbi Chanan Morrison, adapted from Ein Ayah vol. II, pp. 397-398).  I thought about the Beth Am-Kingswood interfaith book group and our ongoing discussion of The Faith Club and how powerful it is to sit together with people of different faiths and agree that although we each have our own truths we are strengthened when we hear the truth of another.  Kook teaches that “When Torah scholars broaden knowledge and provide new insights, they contribute to the increase of peace.  We need to recognize that ‘all of Your children are the students of God.’ All views, even those that seem contradictory, in fact help reveal knowledge and truth.  For this reason, Rabbi Haninah emphasized that scholars are like builders.  A building is erected from all sides, using a variety of materials and skills.  So too, the whole truth is constructed from diverse views, opinions, and methods of analysis.” (Ibid)

I suspect that  if we allow Rav Kook’s teaching to reach the inner most recesses of our being, we will not only live more fully, we will also be able to build a better world, bringing forth shalom to us, Israel and all the world.   May this be our blessing.  Amen. 

Just Do It written on Tuesday, Aug. 2

Day 2  Just Do It!

I woke up at 6:30 for community yoga at 7.  It was a gentle, sweet class that allowed me to wake up fully to this new day.  We will continue today to talk about teaching--looking at what it means to be a teacher.   Later in the morning, at our full yoga session, we studied the Piezetzner Rabbi, also known as the Warsaw Ghetto Rabbi, also known as Kalonymus Kalman Shapira who’s teachings were buried underground in order that at least the teachings would survive the war.  

I have studied the Piezetner Rebbi before--his teachings on the weekly torah portions and on the power of community are powerful.  In our session today we studied part of his Introduction to Chovot HaTalmidim--Obligations of the Students.  He teaches that we have to teach to the individual--that we are each unique human begins and what “works” for one student, might not work for another.  Along with recognizing the needs, skills, talents, etc of our students we have to also teach to their abilities--there is a balance act between pushing too much and not enough.  We shared about finding the sparks of holiness that exists within each person, but often rest dormant, unseen and unrecognized.  A good teacher can help bring those sparks/rays of light, the goodness and wholeness that is within each of us to come forth and shine out into the world.  

After study we had a full yoga practice and afterwards we discussed themes from the class that we might want to teach.  We each had our own beautiful way of expressing what we received from class.  The themes and teachings the class brought out for me included: 

1. Gratitude
2. Embracing the power with in us and letting it shine forth out into the world!!
3. We have untapped strength and potential waiting to be released and shared with the world
4. We are part of a great tradition--part of a lineage that holds us and keeps us.
5. Steady On! (love that Shawn Colvin song) 
6. One needs to be still in order to Receive. 

All this in only the first 2 hours of the program!  There was a lot of teaching, learning, good sharing and yoga practice today.  I think tomorrow I will try to use some of my free time to be in silence.  I treasure silence (as some of you might imagine) AND it also helps to fully receive and be witness to this beautiful, blessed life. 

With Love. 

Courage-Monday, August 1, 2011

Elat Chayim 

I arrived today at Elat Chayim in Fall Village, CT for the third of four week-long retreats as part of my two-year Jewish Spiritually and Yoga teacher training course.  It is hard to enter into the calm, serene atmosphere of a retreat.  Leaving my family is never easy--no matter how many retreats and conferences I attend, leaving is always difficult.  Also,  putting work and all my to-dos out of my mind is nearly impossible at first and... I still, after after all these years, I still get anxious before a retreat and/or conference.  

I know that it  doesn’t take long to settle down and these familiar feelings will leave by lunch time tomorrow so for now, I will wait it out and try to be present as much as I can.  I have been thinking about what it means to be Present in life.  I know our lives go by so quickly--i just don’t want it to pass me by.  I think it takes effort..effort to be present and mindful of the moment...especially when the moment is one of discomfort and dis-ease.  

With these feelings and a touch of nervousness I walked into tonight’s first meeting of the retreat and we sang Yedid Nefesh, a 16th century Kabbalistic poem written in Safed. It speaks of the soul’s longing and love for God.  We sang and sat in silence for a few minutes, allowing the mind to quiet and the heart to open.  The theme of this retreat is taken from Parker Palmer’s Courage to Teach and we will be exploring and practicing (!!) what it means to teach yoga (or at least that is what I think the retreat will ask of us).  

The practice for this evening was to think of the teachers who have inspired us and the qualities that made them so special. We came up with a list of inspirational qualities of teachers--humor, non-judgement, confidence, humility, were mentioned among many other traits. We presented our answer by stating our teacher’s quality/characteristic and then stood in the middle of the group circle and taught a pose or movement that would lead us to embody that particular quality.   My greatest teachers have taught me to uncover and discover.  Whether it is teaching text or guiding me in a spiritual practice, the most valuable teachers have helped me to uncover meaning and discover new possibilities and potential.  They have helped me to grow intellectually, spiritually, emotionally.  Thinking about inspirational teachers and what they mean in our lives  was an auspicious way to begin our work together.  I am grateful that I was present enough to receive it. 

With Love.